


You're like white noise when I want my favourite song

by lanyon



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: AU: Bucky Barnes is Captain America, AU: Canon divergence, AU: Delusions, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-15
Updated: 2013-04-15
Packaged: 2017-12-08 15:12:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/762836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanyon/pseuds/lanyon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peggy walks into the bar where Barnes is sitting, clutching a glass of whiskey in one hand and the bottle in the other. It’s a minor miracle that either survived the latest air-raid. It’s a minor miracle that Barnes survived. They say he lost it on the train. They say he still hasn’t gotten over his childhood friend dying back in Brooklyn; a back alley brawl did it but, from what Peggy has learned, Steve Rogers could have died at any time from any one of the ailments that prevented him from enlisting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're like white noise when I want my favourite song

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Белый шум](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2239239) by [AmberFirefly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmberFirefly/pseuds/AmberFirefly)



> + **Warnings** for character death and for depictions of mental health issues, including delusions and hallucinations, as well as a generally unhappy tone. This is unfluff.  
>  +Title from _How Come You're Not Here?_ by P!nk

Everyone copes in different ways, you know? So it meant nothing to the guys if Barnes, or Rogers, or whatever he wanted to be called, had an imaginary friend. He was a hero, you know? He's the only guy who ever escaped from Zola. 

Yeah, okay, it was kinda unseemly the way they shoved him into an American Flag and paraded him around like that. Obviously, they just wanted to rub Schmidt's face in it. Yeah, you succeeded where Erskine failed but he's an all-American hero now and he's coming to get you.

They didn't know - Phillips and Stark and maybe even Carter - they didn't know how broken Barnes was. They had Captain America, this utterly fictitious character, and then they had a man who could be Captain America. Of course they were going to take advantage of such a golden opportunity. This was bigger than selling bonds. This was a superhero. 

.

Peggy walks into the bar where Barnes is sitting, clutching a glass of whiskey in one hand and the bottle in the other. It’s a minor miracle that either survived the latest air-raid. It’s a minor miracle that Barnes survived. They say he lost it on the train. They say he still hasn’t gotten over his childhood friend dying back in Brooklyn; a back alley brawl did it but, from what Peggy has learned, Steve Rogers could have died at any time from any one of the ailments that prevented him from enlisting. 

“I should have been able to save him,” mutters Barnes. 

Ah, so it is Rogers’ death. “Allow him the dignity of his choice.” 

Barnes looks at her, and he looks a little betrayed but he nods, heavily, and takes another shot. Whatever Zola did to him seems to have affected his ability to metabolise alcohol but he’s making a bloody good attempt at getting drunk. 

“We still gonna dance after the war?” Barnes asks. 

“Of course we are,” she says. She reaches for the bottle. The things she bloody does for her country.

.

Bucky wakes up, strapped to the table. 

“I thought you were dead,” he says. “I thought you were smaller.” 

They get out of there. The guys look at him like he’s some kind of second coming. He guesses he looks at Steve like that too. He falls into step with Steve. He leads them back to the camp. He can’t do it without Steve.  
.

Hell, of course the guys remember when Captain America recruits them. He isn’t just Sergeant James Barnes anymore. They’re always gonna follow him, though. It helps that they’re all thrill-seekers. It helps that he opens a tab and then walks away to sit alone at the bar with his drink. 

If they notice the way he’s talking to himself, they say nothing.

.

Bucky doesn’t go to Steve’s funeral. He’s on his way to England and he’s shaking so hard that the guy next to him says, _what are you? Some kinda coward?_

He wasn’t able to save Steve this time. Oh, no. He was able. He was more than able but he left Steve and went dancing with the girls who were so impressed with Bucky’s uniform. They called him Sarge and Steve was going home. Steve was supposed to go home.

He wasn’t supposed to get in between two drunks fighting over a girl but the girl looked so scared. That’s what the onlookers said. She was terrified and Steve was the only guy who was man enough to do something about it. 

And Bucky was dancing with girls who called him Sarge.

.

Bucky wakes up in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room. There is a game playing on the radio. He went to that game with Steve and Steve nearly choked on a hot dog but Bucky saved him.

He turns onto his side and closes his eyes. He wills himself back to that game, to that day, when Steve Rogers is alive and smiling at Bucky, his fingers like bird bones, catching in the sleeve of Bucky’s jacket.

.

“Oh eight-hundred, Captain, and don’t be late.” 

Bucky’s used to being invisible, now. He watches Peggy leave and sits down with Steve again. He’s happy for him. He really is. He hopes she has a sister, or a friend. 

After the war, they’ll marry sisters, or friends, and their sons will be best friends. 

“I couldn’t do this without you, Steve,” he says, softly. 

There is an untouched pint on the bar and an empty stool by his side.

.

When Bucky is six years old - and he’s big for his age - he slugs an eleven-year old boy for making another boy cry. He doesn’t like bullies. 

He helps the boy up, the one who’s crying, who’s snotty tears and red eyes and a split lip, and he informs him that they’re going to be friends. 

“For ever?” asks the boy. 

Bucky grins and nods because he’s six and for ever seems reasonable for friends. 

.

When he crashes the plane, there is very little left of James Buchanan Barnes. He fell from a train while crossing the Alps. He is all hero now.

Even Peggy Carter can weep for a hero she does not love.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [this ain't no place for no better man](https://archiveofourown.org/works/765708) by [haipollai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/haipollai/pseuds/haipollai)




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